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Tue, Jan. 6th, 2004, 01:30 pm
Hold on if you feel like letting go....

So here I sit, painting my nails.  I'm painting them purple so Pastor Raasch and Mr. Eberhart can't reject me because of black nail polish.  My mom talked to the pastor today, and he apparently has no problem at all with me attending FIL.  It's just Mr. Eberhart.  How interesting.  So anyways, Hold On by Good Charlotte was just on Fuse....And yea, I dunno, I think it changed my mind.  I was about to attempt suicide soon, so I'm glad that song came on.  Last night I went to bed at about three thirty in the morning, because I couldn't sleep.  Before I fell asleep though, I saw a girl....She had blood running down her face....She was holding a knife, and she looked about eight years old....I don't know what killed her, or why she came to me.  I'm not just saying this, it seriously happened.  I swear on my god damn life.  Then she came to me in a dream....So I woke up, and there she was by the door again....I saw her then when I woke up in the morning.  I was home alone the last time, as I am now, and it scared me for a bit.  Then she left and all was peachy.  I keep hearing noises like foot steps, hard ones, or crashes.  It's been scaring the shit out of me.  Oh well.  I taped my notebook cover....I want to call Becky....I didn't get to call her on her birthday to say, "Happy Birthday hun...."  So I feel really bad.  If ya read this hun, I love ya!  I am glad I didn't kill myself a few minutes ago, because now Scottie is on!  And my buddy, but I don't know if he loves me anymore.  ALLELUIA!  THRICE IS ON!  Thank you god....Aww, I made my buddy sad....Now I'm depressed.  I will write again later, I hope to see Kylie today.  Later.

Mon, Jan. 5th, 2004, 09:13 pm
Watch the witches burn....

Today completely sucked.  Well, it could have been worse, if I had gone to school....But thankfully my mom isn't that much of a bitch.  So here goes the details.  I woke up at one o'clock, and went downstairs to talk to my mom.  I asked how the meeting with Mr. Eberhart had gone, and she told me about how he said I would be a "bad influence" on the other children, and how he asked if I would be dressing "Gothic."  Basically I have to go and talk to him and Pastor Raasch on Friday at one o'clock so they can make sure I am serious.  Then I had to take a shower and get ready for the eye doctor.  I would never admit this to my family, but Mr. Eberhart actually made me cry with what he said.  He basically called me a freak, and now they may not even let me go there.  I am almost crying writing about it,  but I came up with a list of reasons they should let me go to FIL.  The eye doctor told me I don't need glasses, which I think is a complete load of bull shit.  My whole fucking day is going terrible.  I missed the call from Kylie, she called at like twelve.  After the eye doctor I went to my sister's basketball game at St. Pauls.  They won, so that was coolio.  I saw Brittany who is one of my best friends, and I hadn't seen her in forever.  So that also was a good thing.  Then Jordandorf came very early because her sister had to coach, then her other sister Melissa played, and then she played herself.  Jordandorf's team won by about five points, but Melissa's team lost sadly.  I talked to Melissa during Jordan's game.  It was cool, I got her new screen name so now I can talk to her more.  A few of the people who go to FIL and some of their parents' actually acknowledged my presence, but mostly I was just a ghost gliding around them.  I really just want to go back to FIL and continue with school.  What the hell is their problem?  Matt said he loved me, although I didn't get to talk to him or anything.  He could just be saying that.  That is another reason I am so depressed.  I don't know if he seriously loves me anymore.  I made a cut last night, but it was tiny and it barely bled.  You can barely see it.  I burned my finger about a half hour ago, and it still really hurts.  Usually when I burn my finger it doesn't hurt, so this is odd.  I hate my scars....You can see them so clearly....I was about to cry so many times today....And I have the worst headache.  I basically am at a loss for friends, but now I am regaining a few if I go back to FIL.  I wish I had never left, then I wouldn't be as alone as I am now.  I just can't really talk to anyone, so that all builds up inside me, and it all comes rushing out at once, destroying everything.  People may say, "You can talk to me about anything," but they don't really mean it.  It's not that easy, and sometimes they just can't handle it.  I will go back to listening to my music and being depressed now....Goodbye....Oh, and someone found out how many times I have attempted suicide, and I showed them my scars so they wouldn't cut again, although they already promised someone else they wouldn't ever again.  I just wanted to get the point across.  "Light the world on fire, just to watch it burn."

Sun, Jan. 4th, 2004, 09:35 pm
They leave me broken and bruised and bleeding....

Well....I am depressed to the extreme today, because I feel like Matt doesn't love me anymore....I dunno....It could just be me....But anyways, my sister won her basketball game today, and she made three baskets. So that was really cool. Metallica is on Uranium yet again tonight....Today I just sat around watching movies, besides going to my sisters basketball game. Haha, dude they are so wasted. Okay, enough of that. Anyway, Melissa told me today that she agrees with my entry from yesterday. That was really cool. Brittany called me and we talked for about a half hour. Then during my movie which I was really into, Jordandorf called....Right at the climax. I wish she had called at a different time because then we could have talked longer. I am so sick of being depressed all the time. I looked through my pictures yet again today, bloody hell was I a cute baby. I woke up at about one today, I wish I had slept longer. I am still extremely tired....But I can't sleep. Nor do I want to. God damnit, I just found out that the holiday tournament is on the ninth! I am supposed to see a movie then, but i promised multiple people I would go to the whole thing a long time ago! Argh....I saw a picture of Anty's girlfriend....I have to say she is hot. Oh alleluia, Baba will get back to me with who plays that day. I will most likely have to cancel the movie plans. For awhile I just sat in my room today. I still have to pick which shoes I want....I wish my Vans would get here sooner....Tomorrow I have to go to the eye doctor, and I assume I need glasses. If I don't get them I'm screwed, because I have trouble seeing the board and get massive headaches. And after the eye doctor, I go to my sister's school game at St. Paul. Brittany said she will be there also, so I will get to see her which is coolio. I'm not exactly getting too far with the guitar at the moment....Which really sucks....Tomorrow during her gym class, Kylie is going to call me from a pay phone....So that should be quite interesting. I am staying home tomorrow because I am not at my new school yet. I refuse to go to Webster and fail! Jerrod told me today that if I need help with schoolwork and whatnot, that I should ask myself because I am smart....But the thing is. I'm really not. I've been told I am stupid, fat, and ugly my whole life. And you know what? It's true. I would go outside right now to try to see the stars, if I wasn't so lazy....I should probably try writing some more....I really need to vent and all of that beautiful shit. Baba just made up such a funny song, all about my Mr. Star who I put aas my display picture. It goes a something like this...."Mr. Star, you shine so bright, did you just have beans tonight? I wonder if we could smell you from deep in space, probably not it would freeze into a fart bubble thingy." Interesting, but we are interesting people. I wish Shroom would get back from shoveling already....I'm a bored, but I am wallowing, so I should be alone. Haha, South Park is on, but I fucking missed it! God damnit! Viva la Bam is on lext on MTV...And another episode of Uranium is on Fuse....I dunno what to watch. I could also watch Insomniac....Argh! I hate decisions! Maybe I will watch them all. Yes, that sounds good. Well I am going to go and talk more to people and watch the television....And wait for Shroom to get back....So later everyone. Good night for now.

Sun, Jan. 4th, 2004, 01:50 am
You said you like to hear the rain sometimes....

Kylie just told me I am very insightful tonight and that it is cute.  Oh, by the way, I'm back!  Haha.  Anty is sending me a song by The Postal Service.  I think I have heard one of their songs before....But I'm not sure.  So many good bands I have never heard of are played this late at night.  Maybe I'll have to start staying up.  I mean, down here instead of in my room reading.  Anyways, I NEED the Taking Back Sunday CD or else I won't be able to survive!  I love them....But my parents won't buy me CDs because they are too expensive and because some of the ones I want are parental advisory.  Ah well, I will get that CD....Someday....Anty is so cute....Ah well.  I talked to Shroom for a long time today.  He's funny.  Jerrod and I looked at shoes and Hot Topic merchandise for a good portion of the night.  Kylie and I were just talking about fake things, such as fake boobs, fake feet, stomach reductions....I said I needed some of them....But then I took it back.  I am good as I was made.  Some force or someone or something intended for me to be like this, and I am going to keep it that way.  The salsa and nacho chips taste so good at the moment....Good lord I am a piglet!  But I don't care.  People should focus on the person I am inside, not my outer appearance.  If only there were more people who could do that.  But, of course, we all know how screwed up this world is today, and it is hard not to focus on looks and things like money or status.  I don't know why most people care about those things.  I will leave and go to bed once I am finished with my food, for real this time.  Good morning

Sun, Jan. 4th, 2004, 01:02 am
Should I bite my tongue, until blood soaks my shirt....

"My hands are at your throat and I think I hate you...."  Anyways, today was pretty odd.  I kept crying almost nonstop throughout the whole day.  Every song would set me off, even pictures or words.  I wonder why....Oh well.  And then I felt sick so much, and I almost puked.  Kylie left at about one thirty?  I am assuming around then.  I am watching music videos on Fuse.  They have been playing some good ones so far.  I had to go through all our old pictures and find ones of me to show my psychologist.  There is a really odd video on at the moment, but the chick is hot.  Dakota and I broke up, so I guess I am single yet again.  I must raise sixty dollars so I can buy Kylie the shoes she wants.  She has told me not to, but I am going to anyways, no matter how long it takes me.  I will get them for her.  She is trying to tell me she will pay me back or buy me something in return, but I won't take it.  Just seeing her happy is enough for me.  It sounds very cliche and shit, I know, but it is true.  Money is NOT everything, it's not even close.  My parents said that I can get a pair of shoes from Hot Topic, so I have picked out the ones i want.  They are boots, and I think they are coolio.  I had some dumbass today ask me if I did coc.  I was just like, "Umm, no...."  My god, what the hell, I don't smoke or do drugs people!  So anyway....I found my old monkey doll thing, which I cleverly named Monkey.  I couldn't find him for the longest time.  I still remember when I got him.  I was in the third grade and had been sick that day.  My mommy took me to Toys R Us and let me buy her.  I really hope my mom's meeting with Mr Eberhart goes well, because if he refuses to let me go to FIL, then I am screwed basically.  I am still depressed, as I have been all day.  I am not tired, but I feel that I should get some sleep.  It may come in handy tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the last day of break....Oh joy.  On Friday I am supposed to go to a movie with Amanda, but I don't know if i want to do anything with anyone anymore.  Wow, Kylie thought I was in a good mood.  That's funny.  Ew, I can feel the blood going through a vein in my foot.  I am very proud of myself, because i really wanted to cut today and I didn't.  I guess I will go to sleep now seeing as it is about one fifteen in the morning.  Maybe I will go write in my book, hopefully get some new poems down in it....I have a few ideas, I just can't translate them into words and put them on paper.  I just don't know what everyone's problem is.  Just because I have different beliefs than you, don't be such fucktards towards me.  Where does all the hostility come from?  I can't muster up enough of it to spit out such spiteful words as you do.  Oh well, maybe someday this world will be cured of all the brainwashing that has been bestowed upon us.  Maybe then everyone can live together regardless of how they act or dress.  I just remembered what my brother told me when I said I may be going to a hospital soon.  He said, "Insane people aren't insane, they just do things differently."  And I believe that is true.  Just because someone has a gift and can see or hear things others can't, that does not mean that they have problems or are a threat to society.  Isn't everyone a threat in some way?  Even the "sanest-looking" people have been known to go out and shoot up a school or murder some innocent child.  I know I could never do that, yet people call me insane.  Funny how the world works.  I will shut up now, like I said I would five minutes ago.  Good morning everyone.  Enjoy your day.

Sat, Jan. 3rd, 2004, 03:33 am
When you say my name, I want to split it from your lips, hide like whispers in the rain....

Kylie is sitting next to me eating chips and salsa as we speak.  Bloody hell, we are piglets!  Okay, now that I re-think today and all of its happenings, I realize that at least for tonight I may sort of like the SHROOMSTER.  That's CREEPY and a odd....Okay, EXTREMELY ODD....Ah well, it shall pass.  So today at Cream City we had a lot of fun....And I am sort of mad at Jerrod....Him and I both made a pact to stop our cutting, and I have stuck to it.  I have not cut in around three weeks, while he continues to as though it has no affect on his friends whatsoever.  But alas!  Considering we care so much for his well-being, it hurts us as bad as it does him.  The knife punctures our skin as much as it does his.  I know it may seem crazy, but it is one hundred percent true.  I do not lie.  Jerrod, if you ever read this I want you to know that I love you man!  Please stop injuring your helpless skin, it has no effect on how your emotions are.  If you must do it, please stop to think of all the other people you care about will feel.  It effects us as much as it does you.  Okay, now on to a lighter topic.  Kylie and I watched Seabiscuit, I liked it, but I guess she did not!  Of course, we are hippie and supposed "Goth", so there will naturally be differences involved.  Now she claims she did enjoy the movie, with cries of, "I did!"  She is currently blowing her schnoz.  Here is a quick comment from the all mighty hippie tree-hugging environmentalist blonde, "My head is about to explode!  I could eat the whole bloody world, yet I feel like I am going to puke!"  And so ends the brilliant input of Kylie.  No, I am not making you look dumb Kylie.  Hey!  That's a snowman by the light!  Soon we will most likely paint our nails, AND I AM NOT A PREP KYLIE!  She called me a prep today!  So I hit her.  (I know what you are thinking....and it is, "GO KATTIE, GO!"  So I would like to thank you all now for your support.  No autographs, please.)  Owwie!  She hit me!  Harassment!  We have had about three sodas each....So we are just a tad, "Whooooooo...."  I can't decide on anything!  AW, FUCK YES!  P.O.D. IS ON!  WILL YOU!  Kylie stop eating my food!  Don't break anything!  Will you, will you love me tomorrow?  I know none of you will....Will you, will you stay with me today?  I know nobody would.  My mommy told me today that since I want to leave so bad, and since they are getting sick of me....They just might arrange it....I am not sure if that means they will get me a foster home or what....Or where is the better question....Or if they will even do it....Aww Shay is curled up beside me.  Kylie agrees with me that he is the cutest thing.  I showed her all the pictures I had been meaning to....I don't know what she thought of them....I will go now, I am about to fucking pee my pants!  Love you all, good....Um, morning!  NARF!  (They're Pinky and the Brain, they're Pinky and the Brain....One is a genius, the other's insane....)

Fri, Jan. 2nd, 2004, 11:09 pm
Boys like you are a dime a dozen....

So here I sit, typing on the computer as Kylie watches the television.  I kept seeing that guy from my house, so that was extremely annoying.  He showed up at Cream City!  He even followed us home.  Well anyways....Today Kylie, Shroom, and I all watched Jeepers Creepers 2 at Shroom's house.  GOD DAMN does he have a fucking nice house!  But that movie was hella scary....But Shroom's brother is FUCKING HOT!  The video by Korn, Right Now, is on right now....Haha, I made a funny.  Please, do not ask.  My brother just came home and handed me Seabiscuit, he said it is a good movie so Kylie and I will watch it later.  Now So Far Away by Staind (I accidentally wrote "So Fart Away" first....I had to change it....) is on.  I love this song and this video.  It's so cute.  Don't ask.  I will shut up now and quit my mindless droning....I will write more of our escapade later tonight.  Like what happened at Cream City with Jerrod and Kylie.  Later.

Thu, Jan. 1st, 2004, 01:09 pm
I'm not sleeping and you're not here, the thought stops my heart....

So today is the fucking first of January, also know as the new year.  How fun....Another year to fuck up beyond repair.  Hopefully I will be at my new school by Monday, so I can go there and get started....I hope I don't fail at this one.  I am depressed today, yesh, and why, I do not know.  I am working on that.  Maybe the fact that all my friends are online besides Kylie and Jerrod is it.  I never see any of the others.  So my cousins left today at eight I think....and then I went back up to sleep until twelve thirty....I am still really tired, but I can't sleep....Today I am just going to sit around at home most likely, and maybe I will finally get around to painting my nails.  I guess I will just have to wallow in self-pity all of today....I may even just go sit in my room....Good lord I am a recluse....As long as I don't have to talk to anyone I don't want to talk to, I should be almost fine.  Ah well, I just want to see my god damn psychiatrist and get on some fucking medication that will fucking work.  I'm sick of this shit.  I think I will start trying to do my hair like it was yesterday....Jerrod and Kylie seemed to think it was cute....Why does every one of my sentences always have the word "I" in it?  God I am self-centered!  My piercings are infected....They sort of hurt.  I can't wait until I get the rest of my ears done.  I also need to dye my hair again....If you have any ideas of what color please tell me....Here I go listening to the same song over and over yet again....It seems all my days are turning out the same as the one prior to it.  I will shut up for now....Maybe I'll write later.  Laterdays.

Wed, Dec. 31st, 2003, 09:33 pm
It makes me feel all right....

Okay, this pisses me off.  WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I AM ANOREXIC?!   I am not that thin!  I am a over average even!  I eat all the time, nonstop!  GET USED TO IT!  I haven't been "anorexic" since last year!  SCREW YOU!

Wed, Dec. 31st, 2003, 08:40 pm
I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so....

"Do you notice I'm gone?"  My whole family is driving me insane!  My sister is so god damned spoiled!  My cousin is way too hyper for a four year old, and everyone else just sort of annoys me period!  Inga is basically the only tolerable one.  I keep listening to this song over and over....It applies to me so well.  I do miss Chris, and feel bad that I dumped him.  NOT the one that walks odd and cheated on me.  The other one.  No, not Shroom.  A different Chris!  I wish I would get to talk to my buddy today.  I guess I will not get to.  Jerrod is gone all night I think at a party, so that rules him out.  Kylie is the only one to talk to, and not that that is a bad thing....But I don't know.  Now Maya and my aunt and grandparents are gone....THANK GOD!  But, every other adolescent in the house is now watching a movie.  Naturally I am over on the computer still.  This is not exactly the best New Year's Eve.  I got some Something Corporate pictures, so that made me a tad happier....I'm still feeling sort of dark and morbid.  I am depressed....Yes.....Joe still has no reason to be mad at me.  He is such a dumbfuck!  My god!  I hate him!  Kylie and Jerrod both told me I looked really cute today....So that was cool.....Of course I do not believe them....But oh well!  I can't play my music anymore since they are watching a god damn movie....I hope it isn't too shitty.  I feel really sick, so that sucks.  I may just go read soon, seeing as that is all there is to do anyways.  I wish some more people would get online, then I would be one-fourth of the way content.  If that makes any sense.  Okay, I hate this movie.  Leave it to my family to be complete opposites of me.  Naturally.  I could be out doing something now....That is, if I had any friends.  The highlight of my day was most likely when I found that we have soda and that I get some champagne.  Pathetic, I know.  I will shut the fuck up now and let you go on with your bloody brilliant lives.  Good bye for now.  I may be back.

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